Friday, March 18, 2005

The Fighting Boy Geniuses of San Diego

These posts recently have been so mean spirited. I think I'm taking in roids by osmosis from c-span and espnews, but the only effect I'm feeling is the rage part. Jbox too. That Gwynn post was mean.

Thankfully... Our fantasy teams have been picked! I have to go over my team a bit and see about making some moves, but check out my rotation and bullpen: Peavy, Ollie Perez, and my own personal coup: ALL THREE HEADS OF THE THREE HEADED MONSTER!

That's right, even though my offense looks amazingly weak - my best hitter is Berkman, and he's out for a little bit - I have the Padres dream 1-2 punch of pitchers and the heart of (in my humble opinion) the league's best bullpen. If we could have had Ollie and Peavy this year as they both mature... Oh I salivate at the thought. Luckily, thanks to the magic of fantasy baseball, they can be together not only in our imaginations, but on my team... The Boy Geniuses.

And the Three Headed Monster. I know it was silly to bump up Linebrink and Otsuka when it probably cost me all kinds of hitters, but I have to think about the confidence these guys will instill in the rest of my rotation. You having trouble in the 5th, boys? Don't worry. Three headed monster to the rescue.

By the way, I almost had the opportunity to meet Scott Linebrink while Jess and I were in Austin. We went to the Round Rock winter banquet. I shook Nolan Ryan's hand and had dinner with Reese Ryan and his lovely wife. Reese is a hearty eater. Not an especially big guy girthwise, but man, he can put the food away. It wasn't until later in the dinner did the MC mention that Scott Linebrink was in attendance. My offseason addled mind, combined with the delicious dinner and watching Reese Ryan literally inhale his food, prevented me from registering that it was the Scott Linebrink until after the dinner and we were in the parking lot.

A shame, really. I would've liked to have met him as he turned me into a fan after last season. At least he's on my fantasy team now. I'll be able to treat him to a fat contract with all the perks.

Now, I just better check out my competition...

Oh, a funny story about Nolan Ryan. The whole reason we were at the winter banquet was because Jess's brother was MVP on the Round Rock Express last season. We were guests of some distinction! Which, I guess, was why they trusted our rag tag group to sit with Nolan's son (I'm talking about my in-laws, wife and Brooks' better half, also a Jessie).

Anyways, it was up to Brooks to introduce us to Nolan, but having only met the Hall of Famer once, he was a bit flustered. Going down the line, he introduced his wife, Jessie, as "my wife Jessie" and his sister, also named Jessie, as "my wife Jessie". Then he introduced me as "Dex". So, as far as Nolan Ryan could tell, the MVP of the baseball team he owns is a bigamist with a fondness for Jessies and has a man servant. Nolan, to his credit, just kinda nodded sheepishly and shook all our hands like he's always meeting perverts like us.

OK, story time over. I gotta check out my team!

Gwynn should be investigated

People make such a big deal about how McGwire and Bonds were real skinny then turned into the hulk later in their career. They believe that this is proof that they used steroids.

I have a theory that Tony Gwynn has been using Weight Gain. I mean seriously look at the evidence. Is this stuff illegal in MLB? Well it should be!

THE EVIDENCE:


+

=


Congress should really look into this. I'm just kidding Gwynn, but you deserved that after you got real cranky at that autograph signing I went to. Now we're EVEN!

Flashback:
I always like this ESPN article

Baseball vs. Congress

Professional baseball players sure look awkward when they are out of their element. That was my first thought when watching the replay on CSPAN last night.

McGwire was an embarassment. His comments were ridiculous. He looked funny with those reading glasses and weird skinny neck.

Sosa didn't know how to use the microphone and I didn't realize how badly he speaks english. I wonder if it was a defense mechanism. Like the some congressman asked him a question and he replied "I don't how to question..." and then starts shaking his head, like he doesn't understand anything. I wish I could find a transcript, all his answers were really strange.

Rafael Palmeiro looked insanely smooth. Like a big bottle of lotion. He had a nice denial and I was tempted to believe him. Maybe it was the smoothness.

Schilling looked the least like a professional athlete. I thought he was pretty stupid thinking that MLB could clean up it's own problem. I expected him to be smarter. I heard about him using all these computers to study hitters and such, so I thought he'd be kinda intelligent sounding. Turns out, not so much. (This from a guy who writes articles about the Pad Squad).

Canseco is just funny because he sincerely believe that he's smart. The way he really tries to put nice sentences together but they just never seem to work out.

They should give all these guys a night in jail for being dumb.

Back to business...

(Jbox, here's some wine snobbery for you.)

Someday, when we all become rich from blogging, I'm going to buy a winery in wine country, and I'll produce a grape. A grape that produces a slightly yellow wine. It will be very wet and sloppy and yet extremely bitter. Occasionally, the wine will do something nice for you, but the immediate aftertaste will leave you annoyed. I'll force people to drink my wine, even though they may not want to. I'll be able to do this because I'll have a no trade clause in the wine's contract. I'll call it... (did I wait too long for the punchline?).... the Klesko!


It's good to know that after yesterday's hearings, we can go back to what Padres fans have come to expect... more whine! Klesko style!
"It's not just the dimensions. The ball hangs up in the salt air. I was surprised when I saw the park, but what are you going to do?

"Will they admit that they were wrong? No. Will they bring in the fences? No.
Can you taste the bitterness? The wetness? Keep in mind, this is a very expensive wine that prevents you from buying something truly refreshing, like a Dr Pepper.

On Yoga:
"I like the program," he said. "It's a great way to start the morning. The stretching has a reason. You can feel that. It's the right type of stretching. I will continue to use the yoga. My back has felt great."
Well, we're all glad that his majesty approves.