Monday, February 14, 2005

Keys to the Season

This Padres season is key. Why? I'm not sure. But I'm guessing it is. Here is a list of things that have to happen in order for this season to be successful:

1. Phil Nevin has to keep pie hole shut!
2. Phil Nevin and Ryan Klesko have to stop acting like little babies with wet diapers.
3. Padres who shall not be named have to get off the 'roids and start taking batting practice.
4. John Moores needs to open his fat wallet and start spending some money. No more excuses about how he's poor or how he's given enough. Remember this from the movie 'Rushmore'?

Max Fischer: How the hell did you get so rich? You're a quitter, man!
Herman Blume: I spent eight million dollars on this.
Max Fischer: And is that all you're willing to spend?

5. Kevin Towers has got to stop planning for championships 10 years from now. Nobody cares about 10 years from now. We care about this year. We've sat through enough 'young' teams.
6. Klesko has got to start hitting again or he's got to retire. Yes that's a period at the end of that sentence.
7. Bruce Bochy needs to start taking some risks and moving base runners.
8. Matt Vasgersian and "Mud" need to stop looking for famous people look-a-likes in the stands. I know this has nothing to do with how well the team plays but it's true.
9. The Pads need to start having some fun out there on the field. They look real bored and little bit glum.
10. If you haven't noticed I've run out of ideas. I'm counting this as number 10. Shape up Padres!

Petco Park, how do I love thee?

Let me count the ways, in celebration of Valentine's day:

1. Western Metal Supply.
2. That gigantic screen next to the Western Metal Supply.
3. The little park next to the Western Metal Supply.
4. Randy Jones BBQ next to the park next to Western Metal Supply.
5. The door out of Western Metal Supply that sticks you behind a fence in left field.

What would make me love you more?

1. A gigantic mission bell instead of the one they got. Something big and loud that would signal Padre home runs and victories.
2. An In-N-Out burger in the stadium to go along with my Rubio's fish tacos and Oggi's pizza.
3. A pennant. Divisional, NL, World Series. Take your pick.

Seriously, that rally bell thing that they tried out last year wasn't very inspiring. I don't think I saw one come from behind victory when they rang the bell. Granted I didn't go to all the games, but that ain't no 9th inning monkey they got there. It's not even a karaoke cowboy. What we need is something big and defining. How bout this: In the 9th inning, if we're needing a kick in the rear, some booming gregorian chants come over the loud speakers, accompanied by the mission bell and a scary european techno beat.

Oh and retire the Cheers We Will Rock You thing already. It's done. Instead, go with the Linda Ronstadt version. It's spookier.

The Fifth Tool

As all baseball fans know, the fifth tool is sometimes the most elusive. Let me break down the tools for you:

1. Hitting
2. Speed
3. Defense
4. Throwing
5. Looking good in baseball pants

If you possess all five of these tools, a manager can use you on his team like MacGuyver can use a Swiss Army Knife in a tight situation.

Archie Cianfrocco possessed this elusive fifth tool, as did Rueben Rivera. Turns out that was the only tool Rivera had.

I'm trying to think if any of the current Padres are five tool players. Hmmmm...

*** Developing ****

Khalil at Rock Bottom

Khalil Greene got spotted at the Rock Bottom Brewery over the weekend by my wife's excited cousin, Sara. He was with a hot blonde girl. Sara waited until blondie got up to use the rest room and she made her move, getting his autograph on a coaster. I think this somehow bodes well for the Padres this season.